What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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