I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
