I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
