Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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