just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dicks are not precious.
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