I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a beard to bite.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
