erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
