Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
