btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize