I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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