you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
