He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
