I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
