I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
