considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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