I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize