Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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