The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
