People in love make me want to vomit
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
