We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize