Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
