If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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