Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
