And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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