Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
