I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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