FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
