I got her a Nickelback box set.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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