Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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