It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
