my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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