life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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