he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
