my mouth tastes like poor choices
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
