You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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