I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
