Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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