You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
