After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
