I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
