I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
