I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
