I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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