You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize