How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
