I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ladies don't puke and tell
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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