Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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