I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize