I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
