She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
