Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
