My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Houston, we have a blender
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
