life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
