so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
