I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
