Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
