i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
