i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
