Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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