just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize