I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
