I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
