You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
