You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
