remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
