I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
