i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
