i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize