Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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