My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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