my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
