I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
