mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
