It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
