apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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